Some days I feel like I will never fit in anywhere. Even with my family the things I say or the way I say them make them paused, confused, or mock me for getting things wrong that seem so obvious to them. Some days, socialising is fine but others everything I say comes out wrong, or awkward, or weird, and I leave feeling as though everyone either hates me or feels sorry for me.
It’s hard to find the right words to explain, because very few people seem to understand. It’s a truly terrifying feeling – like I don’t, or even can’t, fit into this world. Like I never will. It’s frustrating because despite what people think, I do try, I really do. I’ve learned social norms, used my diagnosis of dyspraxia to help find the things I’ve missed and fix those too, kept conversation at work limited mostly to small talk just to be safe… And even then, I get it wrong.
I’ve spent a lifetime being told not to be weird, to act normal and to conform. People don’t seem to realise how disheartening it is when I really am trying, and how hard it makes it to trust them when, upon being myself around them, they tell me to stop. There are only a few people I can be truly comfortable around, and my family aren’t amongst them, so even visiting them is a stressful activity, during which I have to focus at all times on maintaining a personality which is acceptable to them. This is exhausting. But no matter how hard I try to explain, they will never understand.